that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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