Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
accomplished twins. life is a go
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
