My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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