I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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