Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
