well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my shit smells like andre
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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