Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.