sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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