Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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