Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
