Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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