I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
