she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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