Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
