after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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