last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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