you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
