If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
