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dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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