Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
