just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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