yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I didn't notice because vodka
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
