Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have fence marks all over my body
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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