Soap is not a condiment
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
