How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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