I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
