I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
