she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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