the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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