somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
