i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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