I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
