I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
