dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
