I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
