There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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