Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
