if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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