I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
