woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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