I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So here I am, sexting at work.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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