Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
