my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i will never coherently bang her
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
