I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Randomize
