I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
