why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
