Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
