sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
