I wish I could teleport
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
