Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
