I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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