Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
