She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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