Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
