I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
