Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
