It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
