I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
