Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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